I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
