dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
