You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
