On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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