the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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