someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
