yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Found the puke drawer
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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