she was so not down for the gang bang
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
