dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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