omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
