I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
