I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
