My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
