Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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