I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
