Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
