That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
