Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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