Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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