i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
