They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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