why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
