Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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