she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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