I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
