I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
