Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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