I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
even my farts smell like vagina
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
