i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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