Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
