Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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