It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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