LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
