i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
