3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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