and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
We're like a lot better than the average bears
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
