I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
