I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
