Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I am one with the molecules
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
