She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
