I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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