dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
