im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
