If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
