1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Randomize