I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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