I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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