Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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