If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
