Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
