My balls are so social today.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
