people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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