dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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