Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
