another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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