I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
